As I’ve gotten older I look back and try to see how much I may or may not have changed. From this little bit of introspection I find very little differences in my demeanor. Memories being a tricky thing it’s hard to know if the changes I think I’ve undergone are real or imagined. Also, some things that I feel I’ve improved on I wonder sometimes if I digressed in them as well. With that bit of preamble let’s move on to brass tacks.
I definitely feel I’ve gotten more secure and more sure of myself as a person. My moral base and sense of identity has only gotten stronger with time. That being said, my insecurities seem to only have become somewhat more magnified. Especially in my current situation. I’ve always been unsure of my creative abilities and having the free time to work on them has only exacerbated those anxieties. I hate failing at things. And even though only I can be the judge of what I do creatively, I’m so harsh on myself sometimes that it pretty much stifles my creative output. I’ve gotten a better stronghold on this insecurity these past few weeks but it has been a bit of an uphill climb.
With being more secure and more sure of myself as a person I’ve become more at ease with my lot in life. That has definitely been a surprise, especially now. One of my biggest worries growing up was living in a constant state of poverty. I don’t seem to care about being poor as much. I now accept it as is and though I try to work off my debts I don’t let it bother me as much as it use to. I no longer try to seek a job that might pay me the most money. Rather, I look for work that I might enjoy doing.
With age, I’ve gotten inner peace with some things and more anxieties with others. I guess that’s the balance that comes with being human. You always have to be flawed to strive to become better.