Will Work For Self-Worth

So yesterday I was a little down in the dumps.  I guess you could call it a bout of depression. Whatever it was, I’m feeling a better and am forming a plan to try to ensure it doesn’t happen again. As the great Charlie Sheen recently said on Twitter (and I’m actually being sincere about this, despite the crazy episodes he’s been having this past week or so):

“PLAN BETTER Applies to everything where an excuse now sits. Try it. U won’t be wrong. Ever.”

Let me backtrack a little. As you already know, I’m unemployed and have been seeking work. Also during this job hunt I’ve been working in my creative pursuits as well. The problem, is that I just didn’t realize how much I’ve missed my 9 to 5 schedule.

I’ve just realized how institutionalized I’ve been by the school system, Catholicism and the work force. I’ve been programmed to be a working bee drone and since I’ve lost my job I feel like I’ve lost my identity and my sense of purpose.  I used to joke to my previous supervisor about how he invested too much of his life in his job (he would even take work home with him on nights and weekends), and that he would be at a loss once he hit retirement. Yet here I am going through that same crisis of identity.

I’m not used to having this much unregulated, unplanned time to do as I wish. I’ve applied to so many jobs, done a few interviews and nothing has come from them thus far. I’ve even applied to a non-paying internship just to have something to do and give myself some measure of self-worth. And even though it’s been less than a week since I’ve applied to it, the fact that I haven’t received any type of response is  taking a toll on me. Is it because I’m overqualified? Was my cover letter to informal? Did it come off as condescending? Why haven’t they written back to me yet?! All these thoughts are running through my head countless times a day.

So yesterday, you could say, I had a minor breakdown. I woke up looked at the time and just rolled over back to sleep saying to myself, “Why bother? What’s the use? You’re nothing.” Around 12pm or so, feeling better rested, I realized I was being ridiculous, got up, showered and went with my day. Having plans to go to a comedy show last night and talking to some comics afterwards did help. Picking up the missus from work later that night and discussing this issue was even better.

It basically comes to this: I need structure. I’ve always had a schedule of sorts my whole life and whenever I’m left without that type of foundation I usually waste away that day and then feel some form of shame and worthlessness because of it (this is where the Catholicism brainwashing comes into play. Damn them. I don’t believe in that crap anymore but it still has some effect on me). Therefore I’m going to set up my calendar, designating things that I need to do throughout the day. Doing this will definitely make me more productive and hopefully give me a sense of self again that I apparently desperately need.

Also creating this schedule will make me blog more which should only help me in my other areas of creativity. Here’s hoping.


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