I’ve been having trouble sleeping these past few days. At first, I thought it was because my mind was too engrossed in the Millenium trilogy by Stieg Larsson. But yesterday, I didn’t pick up “The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest” and I still had trouble sleeping.
I realized this morning that the cause of this issue was anxiety. Anxiety for my future. Anxiety for my perceived lack of any accomplishments these past few weeks and anxiety about not succeeding in my current endeavors.
When I was let go from my previous employment on January 26, 2011, I was actually relieved. I have been having some issues with my commute for some time and this gave me an opportunity to focus all my energies on looking for employment locally. I did this for the past three weeks with eager optimism. I even went to some job interviews and even though nothing panned out I wasn’t at all fazed.
Once I started receiving my unemployment benefits, I realized that I now had a wonderful opportunity for something else besides looking for a regular 9 to 5 job. For years, I kept wondering, what if I did something else? What if I perceived one of my dreams of writing, stand up, heck, even acting? I now have this little window of opportunity to actually try these little whimsies with very little consequence. Worse case scenario, I realise that they were nothing more than pipe dreams and I go back to the life of a drone.
It is in this attempt of my dreams, that my anxiety started to kicked in. I no longer have an excuse for not accomplishing these goals. The only thing I have in my way is myself. This is what’s causing my sleep troubles. I’m worried about failing.
This morning I decided that I was going to stop worrying about it and just put in the effort. I got myself out of bed early today and exercised for the first time in many years. Got two blog entries out to catch up to my quota (one by suggestion, and this one straight from my heart), and once I shower up and get all refreshed I’m going to go back to working on my comedy writing.
Just because I’m 34 doesn’t mean I should be afraid to follow a dream. As the saying goes, “It’s never too late”.
Just want to make it clear that I’m still seeking employment and am not trying to take advantage of my benefits. My creative pursuits are being done in concert with my job hunt.