Not Even Scientology Could Save My Career As A Standup Comic

For those of you who don’t listen to my podcast, I’ve been taking a 6-week stand-up comic course out of curiosity and just to see how good my sense of humor is. Well this was my second time up in front of class and once again, I just bombed. If they were there you would’ve heard crickets in the room. So this time around, my teacher finally spoke to me face to face (for those in the know, she is Cory Kahaney), and she had something interesting to say. She basically said that my stuff sounded ok, there was humor in it but it would’ve been more suited in the pages of The New Yorker versus on stage. It was more like an essay and wasn’t succinct enough with just setup and punchline. So even though it bombed in my class, I think it’s still worthy enough to at least be on my blog (if it’s good enough for The New Yorker…). So without further ado, here is my routine that did absolutely horrendous in class. Be honest and let me know what you think:

So I’ve been wondering if Tom Cruise was always crazy or if Scientology made him that way. And after doing some research, well I still couldn’t figure it out. However I did realize that those fuckers were nuts out of their gourd.

For instance, they believe that all humans are possessed by immortal aliens called Thetans and if you worked hard at it and make yourself “clear” you’ll transform or evolve into this Thetan form and become gods. No wonder actors are so drawn to this religion. These camera whores just can’t get enough adulation.

That’s also their explanation for evolution. They believe these aliens were brought into our world 75 million years ago by an intergalactic emperor named Xenu. And once these aliens possessed our ancestors, we got the knowledge to create civilizations and evolve from our primordial animal state. It kinda makes creative design seem sorta plausible don’t you think?

Of course you don’t want to call them crazy to their faces. Cuz if you do these fuckers will rain down on you worse than any curse of plagues you ever read in the Torah.

They’re so scary, even the IRS will leave them alone. The only organization that even intimidates gang lords and mob bosses doesn’t want anything to do with Scientologists.

I can just imagine L Ron Hubbard and Al Capone having a conversation in Hell’s cafeteria, cuz lets not kid ourselves if there’s such a thing as an afterlife, those assholes are down there. So anyway this conversation would go something like this:

Al: Hey there. Have a sit down with me. Let’s chat for a bit. I wanna get to know you. My enemies call me Scarface, but you can call me Al. I’m sure you’ve heard me. I was big time gangster in the streets of Chicago in the 30’s. A real terror see. So who are you?

Ron: Uhm, I’m just a two bit science fiction writer who came up with a brilliant idea to make it big.

Al: Oh really? do tell.

Ron: Well uhm. Not much to it.. I just made up a crazy religion with aliens and reincarnation and stuff and people dug it and gave me bundles of money for it.

Al: Wow. what a racket. I dealt with booze . I was real untouchable see. That is until the stupid IRS got me locked up on tax evasion. So how long before the IRS got you?

Ron: Oh they never did.

Al: What? How’s that even possible?

Ron: Well uhm I had a team of lawyers who kept suing them for 26 yrs straight til they finally let me be.

Al: You mean to tell me instead of guns, death threats and intimidation, it just took a group of pointdexters to shake down the IRS?!

Ron: Uhm… yeah.

Al: Well I’ll be damned.


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