Will Work For Self-Worth

So yesterday I was a little down in the dumps.  I guess you could call it a bout of depression. Whatever it was, I’m feeling a better and am forming a plan to try to ensure it doesn’t happen again. As the great Charlie Sheen recently said on Twitter (and I’m actually being sincere about this, despite the crazy episodes he’s been having this past week or so):

“PLAN BETTER Applies to everything where an excuse now sits. Try it. U won’t be wrong. Ever.”

Let me backtrack a little. As you already know, I’m unemployed and have been seeking work. Also during this job hunt I’ve been working in my creative pursuits as well. The problem, is that I just didn’t realize how much I’ve missed my 9 to 5 schedule.

I’ve just realized how institutionalized I’ve been by the school system, Catholicism and the work force. I’ve been programmed to be a working bee drone and since I’ve lost my job I feel like I’ve lost my identity and my sense of purpose.  I used to joke to my previous supervisor about how he invested too much of his life in his job (he would even take work home with him on nights and weekends), and that he would be at a loss once he hit retirement. Yet here I am going through that same crisis of identity.

I’m not used to having this much unregulated, unplanned time to do as I wish. I’ve applied to so many jobs, done a few interviews and nothing has come from them thus far. I’ve even applied to a non-paying internship just to have something to do and give myself some measure of self-worth. And even though it’s been less than a week since I’ve applied to it, the fact that I haven’t received any type of response is  taking a toll on me. Is it because I’m overqualified? Was my cover letter to informal? Did it come off as condescending? Why haven’t they written back to me yet?! All these thoughts are running through my head countless times a day.

So yesterday, you could say, I had a minor breakdown. I woke up looked at the time and just rolled over back to sleep saying to myself, “Why bother? What’s the use? You’re nothing.” Around 12pm or so, feeling better rested, I realized I was being ridiculous, got up, showered and went with my day. Having plans to go to a comedy show last night and talking to some comics afterwards did help. Picking up the missus from work later that night and discussing this issue was even better.

It basically comes to this: I need structure. I’ve always had a schedule of sorts my whole life and whenever I’m left without that type of foundation I usually waste away that day and then feel some form of shame and worthlessness because of it (this is where the Catholicism brainwashing comes into play. Damn them. I don’t believe in that crap anymore but it still has some effect on me). Therefore I’m going to set up my calendar, designating things that I need to do throughout the day. Doing this will definitely make me more productive and hopefully give me a sense of self again that I apparently desperately need.

Also creating this schedule will make me blog more which should only help me in my other areas of creativity. Here’s hoping.

To Dream A Little Dream

I’ve been having trouble sleeping these past few days. At first, I thought it was because my mind was too engrossed in the Millenium trilogy by Stieg Larsson. But yesterday, I didn’t pick up “The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest” and I still had trouble sleeping.

I realized this morning that the cause of this issue was anxiety. Anxiety for my future. Anxiety for my perceived lack of any accomplishments these past few weeks and anxiety about not succeeding in my current endeavors.

When I was let go from my previous employment on January 26, 2011, I was actually relieved. I have been having some issues with my commute for some time and this gave me an opportunity to focus all my energies on looking for employment locally. I did this for the past three weeks with eager optimism. I even went to some job interviews and even though nothing panned out I wasn’t at all fazed.

Once I started receiving my unemployment benefits, I realized that I now had a wonderful opportunity for something else besides looking for a regular 9 to 5 job. For years, I kept wondering, what if I did something else? What if I perceived one of my dreams of writing, stand up, heck, even acting? I now have this little window of opportunity to actually try these little whimsies with very little consequence. Worse case scenario, I realise that they were nothing more than pipe dreams and I go back to the life of a drone.

It is in this attempt of my dreams, that my anxiety started to kicked in. I no longer have an excuse for not accomplishing these goals. The only thing I have in my way is myself. This is what’s causing my sleep troubles. I’m worried about failing.

This morning I decided that I was going to stop worrying about it and just put in the effort. I got myself out of bed early today and exercised for the first time in many years. Got two blog entries out to catch up to my quota (one by suggestion, and this one straight from my heart), and once I shower up and get all refreshed I’m going to go back to working on my comedy writing.

Just because I’m 34 doesn’t mean I should be afraid to follow a dream. As the saying goes, “It’s never too late”.

UPDATE:

Just want to make it clear that I’m still seeking employment and am not trying to take advantage of my benefits. My creative pursuits are being done in concert with my job hunt.

Am I An Optimist, A Pessimist, Or Something Else?

I consider myself to be an optimistic realist. In general I see things with a positive light. Obviously there are things that can’t be seen with a positive spin (unemployment rates, wars, hate, etc), but in general I try not to let things bring me down.

Even now, in what may perhaps may be one of the most difficult times in my life. I can’t help but be in good spirits. I’m currently unemployed and am valiantly seeking work but in the interim I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I no longer have to contend with the long draining commute I used to have.  I’m sleeping more than I have the past few years. My brain is as sharp as I remember it being before my 4.5 hours of sleep status. I just think right now things are looking very good for me right now (lack of income notwithstanding).

Because of those factors, I don’t feel stressed out at all. In fact, I was way more stressed about money when I did have a job (how funny is that?). Now I’m just tightening the belt a bit, looking for work and seeing the world in a positive light.